My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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