He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
