I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
