My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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