I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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