apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
