Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
