Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
