i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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