Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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