Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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