PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
