There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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