I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
