I can tuck mytits in my pants
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
