I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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