The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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