Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Houston, we have a blender
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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