no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
