You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
