My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
do herpes really smell.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
