You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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