I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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