dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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