Sponge bath it is.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
