Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
