Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
All the doctor said was why
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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