Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
