The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
