He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
