I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
