If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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