Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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