A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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