Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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