"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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