So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
