In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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