i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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