I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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