Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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