just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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