I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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