I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
