I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
