What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
