I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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