Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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