guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
