her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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