Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
