Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize