this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
