my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
