Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
