last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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