dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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