I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
