HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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