five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
